Cigarette ash flies to your eyes and you smiled.

There are many things that I want to do. For one year, I've been trying to cross out this particular item in my TO DO list. But I cannot. What's ironic is all I wanted is to just cross it out...

In that one year, I got back at smoking, when I know it is just not like me.

Everyday, as I watch the ribbons of smoke flail out into nothingness, I remember the times when I was so alive. I flick the cigarette and I watch the ash fall out. I am not sure if it is a beautiful thing or not, but every time I watch the ash fall down, I realize that I want to be the ash that falls out from the cigarette that is your memory.

Beautiful or not, happy or sad, I just want to fall out and die out like the embers that comes from the little ashes. Forget and move, live as free as I can be. As the ash falls down, it will be blown away. Those ashes are helpless, weak and fragile. Like me - I was rendered fragile and hopeless by that one year I tried to get out of the cigarette.

I wanted to burn, burn away and fly. That is all I wanted and for the life of me I wonder why it cannot be given to me. Now, I inhaled another Lung-full of smoke. I wanted it to purge and cleanse me of the feelings that I promised to you that I will never let go. I blew it out, I watch it bored, for I know that like the ash, those smoke will die out in front of me.

And I know, just as sure as the smoke's smell will be pressed upon my shirt, that your memory will not come out. Not even if I buy candy from the girl who sells the cigarettes, nor the nights I pretend that I never knew you at all.

I told myself once to quit, exactly one year ago. Now I am still telling myself that. Will it end? No one knows. But I hope when it does end, I will have the guts to face you and tell to your face that I hated it. I hated this. And I hated you.

Will it end? Of course it will.

We will be alright. Let's just pretend we never knew each other at all.

Untitled.

Thoughts pirouette their way to my mind as I lay in this cold evening. Thoughts full of anger. Anger like a monster clawing its way upward from my stomach.

Things will never be the same.

Things will never change.

A dilemma, a paradox that will not be justified. It's never enough. Yeah, it's never enough when it was you who say that it's never enough not to look forward.

Now, the same monster, is crying, crying for the chance it never took, the chance that he will never get to see again.

When I say it's over, it's over. No turning back now.

Nothing's worth losing, especially the chance to make it right.

When We Die

Well i know that it's early and it's too hard to think and the broken empty bottle's a reminder in the sink.

But i thought that i should tell you, if it's not too late to say I can put back all the pieces, they just might not fit the same.

Because nothing's worth losing especially the chance to make it right.

And i know that we're gonna be fine and the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time.

As long as we live times passes by and we won't get it back when we die.

Well I know it's been years now and I don't look the same

and the hopes and dreams you had for me, you thought went down the drain.

And the room feels so empty where my pictures used to be...

And I can't say that I blame you, but you can't blame me.

Come over, come over because I gotta know if I am doing this all on my own.

Come over, come over how can't I show you if you're not here?

And I know that we're gonna be fine and the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time as long as we live times passes by and we won't get it back when we die come over, come over i gotta know well i know that it's early...

------------------

It's been a long time when I wrote something about you in this blog. Anyway, there are times, such as this, that I want to speak and reach out. But as always, the purpose is defeated.

Time comes that I don't want to even think about you, there are times that you reach out and I decline. We were never on the same wavelength nowadays.

There are somethings that we need to discuss and at the same time, not discuss with each other.

Just always know that when that no one seems to be around when you need someone to talk to, always look behind you, and I will always be there.

Now and forever. Always and forever.

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

Night. Another wasted night. It is wet outside. You can hear the wailing sounds of the wind. Tomorrow, yet another monotonous undertaking. The same old thing happens everyday. Are you happy? You ought to be, after all this time.

Yet... when night comes, pain wails at you like the wind you hear striking your bedroom window. Pain, almost tangible, haunts you till this very day. You say you are happy. But when night comes, you know you're not.

What's happening. Where is the former you?

Can you be happy? When everything seems to be going your way, but the one thing you trully desire eludes you. The most painful thing in the world are the things you ought to have again, but it refuses to come back.

Sometimes, you have to live for yourself. Not for others.

Wag ka kumuwa ng bato na ipupukpok sa ulo mo!

Well, that was the advice of a friend to me way back. And that's what I said to a friend who is, for lack of better word, and let's put it in tagalog - NAGPAPAKATANGA. I can only sigh for what that friend is doing to hself (let's put identity to anonymity).

Apparently, that friend likes a certain person (wow, anonymity is hard. can't find perfect nouns for it.), and this person has a significant other.

Pause. Tagalugin na lang natin. Para wala mashadong pronouns ang gagamitin.

Ok, ganito yan. Yung kaibigan ko, may nagugustuhan siya na tao na meron nang kasintahan. So, gets mo na yung idea? Ayun, meron na siyang kasintahan at kakabreak pa lang nung kaibigan ko sa kaniyang kasintahan na pakiwari niya ay hindi siya minahal (awts, sakin niyan). So ang ginawa nitong kaibigan ko ay napakadami para makalimutan ang walang hiya niyang ex-kasintahan. Ang dami niyang ginagawa na hindi ko na ilalathala dito sapagkat masyado itong karumaldumal.

Ngayon, ang ginagawa niya ay nagpapakatanga (As always) dito sa tao na ito. Kinakalimutan nitong kaibigan kong to ang mga tunay na kaibigan niya, pati na rin ata ang trabaho. Tapos kahit ilang ulit mong sabihan, wala pa rin. Tapos pag nasaktan nanaman, lalapit lapit nanaman sayo at mag e-emo. Pak! Bigat lang eh!

Eto ang aking advice sa mga sawimpuso:

Wag kayo maghahanap ng isang bagong object of affection na alam mo naman na panandalian lang. Mahirap ang pagaralan na mahalin ang isang tao, lalo na kung ang tao na ito ay talagang sinasabi na mahal ka niya. Siguro, habang maaga pa lang, magising ka na sa katotohanan na kahit kelan di mo mapapalitan agad yung tao na minahal mo talaga.

Sa huli, hindi lang siya ang masasaktan mo kundi ang sarili mo. May tao na pinipilit mong mahalin pero ang puso mo, nakakadena sa iba. Ginagamit mo ang isang tao, na wala namang ginawa sayo kundi nagkasala na magustuhan ka, para makamove on. Bad cheetah.

Kaya mo magmove on magisa. Magparaya ka. Ilet go mo yung tao na minahal mo. Kasi letting go means you loved best. Dun mo mapapatunayan na mahal mo talaga siya. Sa una, di mo kakayanin yan. Masakit na masakit. Lalo na kung pers mo to. Iiyak ka gabi gabi sa loob ng ilang buwan. Pero sa dulo, malalaman mo na masaya na siya, masaya siya na wala ka. Siguro naaalala ka niya paminsan minsan, pero hanggang dun na lang yun. Ala-ala. Yung mga nakaraan, wala na yun, yung mga dates niyo, mga kulitan, mga biruan, nasa isang chapter na lamang yun ng buhay mo. Ngayon next chapter na, mas maganda to. Lahat naman nagtatapos sa happy ending eh. Tingnan mo yung mga telenovela, kahit nilulubog na sila sa ebs ng grashopper, bumabangon pa rin at nakikipaglaban para makuwa ang happyending.

Kung dumating ang panahon na bumalik siya, at mahal mo pa rin siya (kahit ilang beses mo sabihin sa sarili mo na hindi na), sige, mas mature ka na ngayon at siguradong maaayos niyo ang alitan niyo. Pero kung wala na talaga, sana naman pag nagkita kayo ulit ngitian mo man lang. Naging parte siya ng buhay mo at di mo pwede alisin ang isang chapter sa libro ng buhay mo kasi hindi mageenjoy ang mga readers. Labo.

For the mean time, abalahin mo sarili mo. Sa trabaho, sa pamilya, or magbusiness ka (tulad ko). Pero wag na wag sa ibang tao na gusto mo pero di mo mahal. Hintayin mo muna mawala ang nararamdaman mo sa iba. Kasi di ka lang nagkakasala sa tao na yon, kundi kay God pa. Mahirap magsinungaling. Di ka sasaya. Ang napakahalagang natutunan ko sa past relationships ko eh di ka sasaya kung di ka 1) HONEST at 2) HUMBLE. Kala mo sasaya ka pag nagsinungaling ka - Deyns! Kala mo sasaya ka kung mapride ka - Deyns!

Ngayon, hinihintay ko na lang tong kaibigan ko na magising. Kaya niya naman magmove on na hindi ginagawa yung mga ginagawa niyang karumaldumal na kabalastugan na nakakadiri eh. Eew! Ayaw ko na mention kasi against talaga ako dun. Magigising din yan. Isip bata din kasi yun since nung mga bata pa kami. Hahhaha.. labo.

To my shooting star

February 2006

There could be a thousand of words i could string together that would probably tell you how much you mean to me. But i know, that is not enough to measure that and words will not give justice on how i feel.
Being not able to talk to you like we used to, gave me a sudden realization on your worth for me.

But i cannot blame the situation why i mourn this much.
I cannot blame you, and i cannot blame myself.
God did this to make me realize that not everything is meant to last.
God did this to make me stronger.

There would come a point in your life, that you are so shattered.
You cannot call on to your friends or your family.
And in that point in your life, God will put the pieces back together.
Shiny, new, and stronger than ever.

I just hope you are happy. I know you are.

----

Like a star, you lighted up my whole sky, and for a moment, nothing else really mattered.

Making love out of nothing at all.

Your eyes wants to peel the clothes on her body. She read your desires and starts to undress. You come closer and closer, though she barely knows you, but she gives herself in. Kissing her luscious mouth, you guide your hands towards her back and unhooked the lace that is the only barrier that is keeping you away from her.

Moans fills the air. Hot gasps of lust and the quivering of bodies bring forth emotions that are well hidden, deep within the constraints of imaginations. Red hot lust make actions seem so obvious. Both seem to fly towards the heaven with each penetration, with each thrusts fill with the desire.

Thousands of emotions fills your head - lust, longing, anger, hatred, joy, pain, pleasure so on and so forth, you don't know why you are doing this but somehow, you enjoyed it. You bask in the glory of having a wonderful moment with this unknown person that you kiss with such passion, you might think it was love, but in reality, it is not.

After of what seemed hours, you both gasped and collapsed with a sickening thud on the bed. You lay beside her and looked at the ceiling, you both smoked cigarettes - a scene which you both imitated on the movies you watch. Thoughts fill your mind on why you did this. Is this love, or lust. It was the latter. You closed your eyes and felt the betrayal. You felt the pain. You felt the guilt.

Out of the thousand emotions that you feel minutes ago, one lingered, and it was pain. Haze filled your eyes again, stood up and walked out of the dark room that is filled with regret for the actions you did. Regret of making love out of nothing at all.

I wonder why the wind keeps blowing you to my mind.

Coldest of seasons. Sleepless nights. Nights I long for the touch I once enjoyed. The connecting of two souls - intertwined and one. Never ending. Or so I thought it was. The sweetest heartfelt kisses. The dreams of future of us being together. Weaving the life we will have.

Stuck on the point between rupture and rapture. The point were you are not stuck anymore to the lonliness of the cold, dark nights.

The haze fills my eyes. But not as frequent as it was. Not as painful as it was. This is crossing over. This is moving on. Will I bother writing you the letters you once enjoyed, saying that I am sorry? It is too late - very late. In fact, I wouldn't even bother. I've never been so aware of the life. It feels so wonderful to be alive - again. Do I enjoy this? No, but sooner than later, I will.

Now I wonder why the wind keeps blowing you to my mind. Is this love? Is this hate? When all this is over, and everything is serene like once it was when you are not in my life, I will smile, laugh even. Because I feel so alive. Alone but alive. Will I learn from this? Yes I will. And thank you for that. Thank you for your four letter lie.

Will you ever learn?

So what’s the point in all of this? When you will never change. The days have past, the weather’s changed, should I be sorry?
Could I be sorry? I did it all for you, Hoping you would see. Your eyes are dull, your hands are clenched. Are we ready?
But you think about yourself. Only but yourself. But what about…Un-lonely nights, romantic moments. The love. What about them?
Throw it all away. You know me well. You know it’s wrong. Then what is it you feel? You hide behind those perfect smiles.
It won’t fool me because you already did. But you think about yourself. Only but yourself. But what about…Un-lonely nights, romantic moments. The love. What about them? Throw it all away.
The perfect dates, the sweetest kisses.
What about them -Throw it all away.

A not too long ago.

To whom it may concern,

I love you, you love me.
I love you, not in a friendly way.
Although I think we are great friends and not in a misplaced attraction puppy dog way,
although I'm sure that's what you'd call it.
I love you, very simple, very truly,
you are the epitome of everything that I've looked for in another human being,
and I know,

you think of me as just a friend
and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider.
But I have to say it. I just can't take this anymore.
I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you,
I can't look into your eyes without feeling that
longing you only read about in trashy romance novels,
I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are and
I know this will probably queen our friendship,
but I had to say it cause I've never felt this way before and I don't care.
I like who I am because of it.
And if bringing this tonight means that we can't hang out anymore,
then that hurts me, but God, I couldn't allow another day
without getting it out there regardless of the outcome,
which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot down and you know I'll accept that.
But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment
and if there is a moment of hesitation then that means that you feel something
too and all I ask is that you please not dismiss that and please try to dwell on it for just 20 seconds.
There isn't another soul in this planet who has made me half of the person I am when I'm with you.
And I'd risk this friendship for a chance to take it to the next plateau
because it's there between you and me, You can't deny that.
Even if we never talk again after tonight,
please know that I am forever changed
because of who you are and what you've meant to me.

Myself

Look at the damage we have done now to each other.

Life, repa, has its ways of mocking you but in the process, it molds you to a better you. I've posted variations of that previous sentence a million times in this blog. Well, last year has been catastrophic for me, especially the last quarter. It's like being in a war, and you're in the front line... or something like that. Anyways, I've learned to cope. To adopt myself to the ever-changing world. The world of uncertainties and unpredictability. The tides of change tried to knock me off my feet, but I endured. Well, I can't say that I am perfectly happy with where I am right now, but at least, I am not asking for more.

You see, I am the type of person who is always contented with what I have. If opportunity looms over the horizon, I just wait and see. Poised like an eagle, to grab his prey. Hahaha, lousy analogies. Anyways, I am the type of person who crosses the bridge when I get there. Life has thought me to be persistent. Yeah, I am persistent to the point of stupidity. Well, if you ask me, my persistence is turning to stubborness. But now, I am learning to know when to give up.

Repa, repa... Now I have managed to control emotions. To shut them, if you will. Ah, being heartbroken and paranoid can be fatal at times, but I did not let that interfere with my work. I am just starting on the corporate world and I am at the rock bottom. Of course, I need to learn from my past mistakes and utilize everything I learned and be a corporate tiger. Hahaha, you see, I like animal analogies. Anyways, the bottom line is, if you let the chinks in your emotional armor show up, then you're dead. That's it.

Well, as for my title, wala lang, I've just realized that friendships you thought were forever can crumble down with just a few words. Yeah, words that will pierce through your ribs, lungs, heart, and other internal organs. Haha... You learn to grow apart. You learn to live a day without ending it with a smile because you know someone is thinking of you. You learn to adopt yourself to the changes. You learn to cope with problems alone. You live as you learn, every painful inch of your life. You've tried to control the damage, but in the end, the damage is still there. Scars remain. The pain subsides, but the scars remain. Gray and itchy. If you remedy the itch by scratching it, you remember the pain and it reminds you how painful it was. Ah, lost friendships. But at least, you were thankful that the friendship was fun while it lasted. You try to forget, but you can't deny that it will stay with you always and forever.

You've cried so many times. Now you deserve to be alive. To be new again. Well, all I can say is thank you.

---
BTW, we will be having some overnight thing tomorrow, friday. We were asked to bring a friend. So, I asked my friend and she accepted. So, all is set. It's been a while since I've pooled around, get it, pooled around. Hahaha... corny.

Ui, nagmail na si pareng cruisecontrol, tapos na si build, geh, got to go!

Life is like juggling, miss one ball, and everything tumbles.

Au revoir 2006!

Three hundred sixty five days has come and gone. Now, a new phase comes. A new era dawns if you will. Life starts anew. We begin a new step on this journey we called life.

2006 has been the catalyst for me. It has been the driving force that will make me better. 2006 has been catastrophic and rewarding at the same time. It is ironic, but it is the way it is. Life, mocks you, but at the same time, molds you to a better person. I can attest to this a million times. I've been a living proof that you can be dead, and you can rise from the grave.

Now, 2007 dawns. In 9 hours, we will change calendars and start to count from a fresh january one. Life is so fast. So learn to go with the current. Learn to cope. Learn to live. Learn to learn.

Ok, I can't stress on this too much. Happy new year anyone. I'll continue this later!

>:)

----
2007, let's rock!

January 2.

Okay. Life has been reset. Today, we start anew. In work and in life itself.

--
Ei, I am going to change blogs now. It has been my habit of creating a new blog. Let's see. I've been with blogger since last year. Anyways, I'll ponder on this a few times more. :)

21.

Only a few more days until my birthday. I'll be turning 21. I guess, I can safely assume that I am not getting any younger anymore. Now, I start to be at awe at time's ability to teach you. To mold you to what you are now. Time has given me the well-oiled machinery that I have now. Time has given me the chance to prove myself worthy of standing where I am and to prove me unworthy of having what I wanted to have.

I have learned so much this past year. I can safely say that this year has been the hardest year of my whole life. The whole 21 years of it. But, again, time has helped me to cope and to shape up. Time goes on without us, so it's just best, if we move with it. Move through times. Learn from it and live. Life is not about each breath you take, but the moments that takes your breath away. Challenges will come, though you failed to overcome it, at least, you learned something. There's a number of things I've learned this past year. Number one is to NEVER ever take things forgranted. There's no such thing as FOREVER, so don't waste your time planning. If things are never meant to be realized, it will never be. Two, is if things are meant to be otherwise - let it go.

Lastly, the painful and exciting realization of things to come has dawned on me. Today, I will start anew. No more regrets. No more moping around. No more slacking off. Life, is to grand to feel sad for. Life has its mysterious way of turning you upside down, inside out - but in the end, if you tried to smile - everything will fall into place. Just like a perfect puzzle. Life is puzzling and confusing, but in the end, SOMEWHERE in time - everything will just fit, everything will be perfect. SO, you have to be patient about it - and love life.

Be happy.

Happy birthday to me. Apir.

Some thoughts stuck in mind.

Still awake. Sleep escapes me these past few weeks. I cannot think straight. My mind is blank, my soul is empty.

20 minutes until the exit.

Sometimes, there will be times that you'll realize that no matter what happens, if you are not fully decided on something - everything will not work out. I've experienced losing. I've been to hell and back. I guess for a 20 year old kid, I've experienced everything there is to experience in life. Really.

Life, it seems, mocks you to submission. Problems go in and go out of your life, so fast, it's amazing. But one thing is certain - everything that happens to you, makes you strong. Every suffering, every trials, every tear that poured down your cheek, teaches you to endure. This is what life is all about. Enduring. Patience. Humility. In the end, happiness waits. It is inevitable. Now, you might think on getting a knife and slitting your throat. You are so numb of crying, that you haven't even notice tears that pour down your face. I've told you a thousand times - for the same butter that melts butter, hardens steel.

He molds you to a strong warrior. Capable of thinking for yourself. Capable of weathering the storm. Capable of everything. A well-oiled machine without chink on the emotional or physical armor. You are stronger now, than ever before. You just have to smile. This day is the first day of the rest of your life.

Be strong. Be alive. Wait for the happiness. It will come. Believe me. I've been there, done that.

Don't believe that the weather will be perfect the day you die.

Necromancer.

You are so amazed on how beautiful she looks. You never wanted to leave her side. She's your life. Your all. Now she's sleeping beside you. Motionless. Just like you wanted. You touched her face. Cold as the night. Cold as death itself. You gave her a kiss. You wondered how these porcelein lips taste so good. You thanked the heavens for giving her to you. Now she's yours. No more nights alone.

Her hair smells of perfume. That perfume you've always liked. You can smell it across the street as you watch her like a child, waiting for his mother finish your meal. Spotting her every move. You memorized her gestures, her mannerism. You liked the way she flips her hair as she turns around. So much, you call her name and hide. Watching as she turns around, doing the thing you've always liked.

Her eyes, God, her eyes. There the most beautiful jewels. Glimmering like the sun. Expressive as paintings. Though you never had the chance to look at them directly, you have pictures of them pasted on your walls. You always wondered why God made someone so perfect - Long perfect hair, white, silky porcelein skin and the most beautiful face. But was thankful for doing so, because nothing else mattered.

The nights became sleepless. You wanted to see her more. You wanted to talk to her. But you know that it will never happen. She will not even take notice of you. Frustrated, you began to take action. You wrote her anonymous letters. You sent her poems, songs, parodies, haikus and drawings. She soon takes caution. She became afraid of you. She does things to prevent you from giving your gifts. You can't imagine why she does this to you when you love her so much.

On a yet another sleepless night, you went to her home. You want to visit her and finally tell her what you feels. It was just like in the movies. The highlight will come when you kiss her. You knew it. Now she's there, sleeping. You gave her a longing look. Grabbed her by the neck, and took her life.

Now she is lifeless. Perfect. Yours. Yours to conquer. Your uncharted territory. Your trophy. Your love.
But you knew, she will leave you in matter of days. So you started having the best night of your life.

Transition failure.

Seconds seems so long. It would turn into minutes, then it would turn into hours, eventually it would be days. Before you know it, it has been months. Long months. Long sleepless, tired nights. Enduring the sad nights, you realize one thing - nothing changes. Stuck and there's no turning back, yet no looking forward. Stuck and helpless. Helpless and alone. Alone and sad. Sad and empty. Good as dead.

Seeking the light. Wanting the transition. Failure to move forward is hard. These are the quiet things that no one ever knows. Wanting to be dead is not on the system anymore. You've felt things worse than death itself.
But I've never been so alone. And I've never been so alive.


I lie for only you. And I lie well.

11:13 pm

I felt the air. It was cold. Cold and mocking.
I saw the horizon. It smiles on me as I stand here.
This is the moment I anticipated.
The moment to prove myself.

I saw the faces of the people as I gaze down.
I can hear their muffled screams as I shift a little closer to the edge.
At last, it's time.
Time to surrender to the world. Surrender to life.

I shifted even closer.
I took a final look at the mocking sun.
It seems like it could shine forever.
I cannot wait for that. The time is now.

I want to feel the pavement.
I took my last breath.
Jumped to the endless gray pavement.
I smiled and I closed my eyes.

Darkness...

----------------
I don't want to feel this way forever.
A dead letter marked - return to sender.

Silent dilemma.

The moon mocks me to submission. Everytime I look at the whiteness of the moon and feel the cold, silent, dark night, I feel the depression I whole-heartedly wanted to push away. I knew the mistakes I was taking. I knew the consequences I will harbor. I knew what will happen if I stay this way. If I stay in this conformity. I wanted to slit the throat of my confidence and push everything away - The moments that made me alive, knowing all the while that it was a ship made to sink.

I walked a few paces forward. Towards the memories of the things I wish I would have forgotten by now. The things that was once the source of my whole being. The source of my life. The cup from which I sip the nectar. That sweet memories that I wanted to push away. The wind blew. The cold runs through my spine - then I remembered the pain. The pain that I grabbed. The pain that collided with my frail body, making me spin towards the hardest pavement ever. Everyone was around me. They were screaming. Telling me things that I should have done. The things I could have done. The what if's and the what could have been's. But I push them away. The loneliness, I endured them. Found new sources of smile that would bring back the old me. But my attempt was futile. Futile indeed.

I saw light. Light brighter than the one that was walking with me as I thread this long, dark road. I saw a new source of happiness. No, not a new source, but it could be a new source. If I just grab it. But I am afraid. I am afraid to have a new dark scar. Scar that would remind me of the pain that I once felt. The scar that won't let me forget. The scar that would remind me of how it was like.

I stood at that familliar two-forked road. The road to happiness, and the road to the unknown. The future is unknown. I am not a seer who have power to see the unknown. The future is uncertain to those who wouldn't want to take the risk. The risk of feeling pain once more. The risk of giving his life to someone who will just throw it away after it has been consumed, bottled up to the point of gluttony.

I wouldn't want to feel this way forever. So, I stepped forward and grabbed the chance.

103006cavela

In reverie.

He held her hand and looked into her eyes,
those expressive, black jewels that shines so bright.
the night deepened and the wind blew harder.
What could go wrong. You were so perfect.
you leaned forward so you could see her lips.
brushed it with yours and told three words,
You meant it, she feels it. Happiness...

On wasted time and fortune's hand.

Today is Her birthday. The friend who was always there to lend ear to my everyday triumphs, my woes and my chatterings. This friend is always there in times of need, in times to share my accomplishments and in times when I just want to say some thoughts that reside in my heart.

Well, to greet you formally - Happy Birthday, Blog!

It was last year when I started my second Blog*. I realized that it was time to "upgrade" and I switched to Blogger. This domain is entirely anonymous, except from the few people who actually visit this site. Because of that, I was able to express emotions more here.

It was also exactly one year, when I thought everything was going right for me. I thought maybe, say, two or three years, I would be able to support my own. I just started working and I've got everything going right for me - a 19 year old kid, with dreams of a man. I wanted everything set. I wanted everything to fall into place - like a giant jigsaw puzzle that's hard to accomplish, but not impossible to conquer nonetheless.

You see, life is not a highway to your destination. Life has its many detours, side routes, fly overs and other roads to take. And I've learned the hard way - The hardest way one may reckon - I endured it. My life turned 180 degrees in a split second. Joy turned to anguish and hate. Fulfillment turned shy and I became the worst person possible. If you scour over my other posts, you will always find me telling that Time could heal sufferings and heartaches or misfortune. Yes, it will do just that. But when you look at the scar it left, you will feel nothing - just the remembrance of how painful it was, or how was it like. Maybe that scar would tell you that you should hold back - try to internalize first before you act.

You kept asking if lightning could strike the same ground twice. That's why you take caution. You take heed. You care for people more that you do for yourself. You try to live from your mistakes and do the opposite things that brought you your scars in the first place. The scars - the marks of defeat and suffering. One year ago, I was all smiles, abeit a little nervous, but still, I was proud. Proud to be ever so happy. Proud to put that first block of hope in my dreams - in my future, or for once, our future.

Our. That's one preposition I often used. A prepopsition I always enjoyed. The prospect of being with another person who apparently, shares visions with you, shares problems with you, shares dreams of unwavering future together with you. Yes, I was happy - I thought everything was all complete. Now, everything is upside down. Now, I am beginning to start over, to smile without apparent reasons - again. I've learned that not all the time, life is all about a road trip going to your destination - it's about pulling the windows down, and looking outside. The foibles out there, and what makes everything just so special.

I took my usual after lunch rituals and I've noticed how my toothpaste, which I brought from last year
faded to pale red. Wounds are like that, it pales. It deteriorates. Though you feel it every once in a while, you are somewhat thankful, for being hurt like that. Because now, you take heed. You are more cautious. More aware. More aware of the people you might or will hurt.

Fortune's hand really works mysteriously. Now, I feel fear of what happened last year. But it is normal. Whatever fate brings, you must stand tall and take it all. Be strong.

I've learned the hard way that the same fire that melts butter, hardens steel. And oh, life is not about breathing, it's about the moments that takes your breath away.

Oh, about our random vendo, I now know the proper combinations to get the right soda. >:) That is after trying and retying combinations.


*my first blog being - www.tabulas.com/~karuru