Too tired of all the crap. Too tired of being tired.

Just got home a while back. I checked the watch and I was pretty flabbergasted on the time, which is 2 am, because time flew fast. Not that I am having fun, mind you, but maybe because I am too less caring on my time or what happens with me nowadays. You see, I've been in this state of emotional distress, dillemmas and non conformity for quite some time now and I am a person who really values time. Time has always been an important de facto in my daily routines in life. I have valued it when I was younger and now that I am a man, I can safely assume that I value it even more.

But life can be too tiring if same old things happen every single day. Imagine doing same routines for say, seven months? Life really is a bitch. If you happen to chance on a person I know for quite some time, they would say that "Si Allan, oo, okay yan, loko loko..." I somehow know that if someone remembers me, one way or another he or she would smile, remembering a joke or two from me. Now, that I am too far away from being happy, somehow, I would remenisce on the times when I smile a genuine smile. How good it feels to smile to a reason with just attributes that really makes you do smile. I forgot to be happy. Yes, I would go out and have the so called "fun" , ok it is given that you forget about problems for like two or three hours? But after that, after getting home, after brushing and lying in your bed - what are you thinking? Are you happy?

I saw a familiar face a while ago. He was a friend back in the days. We haven't seen each other for say, three years? If I was my old self, I would talk to him and exchange stories. But what happened was we just got on with our respective businesses. Before he left, he gave me pat on the back and said "Chong, alis na ko ah?"
You see, the idea of being happy escapes me. How was it again? I want to be reminded, just for a fleeting second, on how to smile with truth. I want to erase my fake smiles. I want to be happy. Again.

If you happen to read back on my earlier posts, I seem to be uncaring, bored and unsatisfied. But I do care. I want to change my life. This year has been a lesson to me. Bonds that I should've ended earlier, lives I should've fixed. The works. Half year has passed and I am still glued to my boring persona. I am so tired. Too tired, in fact, that somehow, in the back of my mind, I just want everything to die. To fade out. To vanish.

I want to get out of this mortal shell and be alive in another person's perspective. Sometimes, I want to be our pet. Though, she is a woman, I don't think I would care if I were a girl dog, or gay dog, I just want to be our pet. She cares about nothing, only the food that will be served in her pretty orange container. I want to worry about nothing. I want not to make bonds with people. I just want to be not me.

Miserable is an understatement on what I feel now. Sad is too weak a word to describe what I am now. Like the lines in the song - I am bluer than blue and I am sadder that sad. You see, if you paid attention to your english teacher in elementary - the superlative of sad is saddest. (sad - sadder - saddest) I begin to wonder if there's a more suitable word for more than the saddest feeling in the world?

In months back, I just cry myself to sleep. I admit that. Now, I am too tired to cry. Crying will bring nothing back. So now, I just try to sleep. I feel nothing. I am void of all reasonings. I hurt people unintentionally. I know I will hurt them but I am not alarmed. I still do it. I tried asking them for apology - I know I did not mean that. Sorry if that became an outlet. Sorry if I directed my strife to you. I am so sorry. Sorry for being me. Sorry for not being what I used to be.

I know all who cares for me visits this site everyday. I would like to take this opportunity to take the floor and say: I am so sorry for not being the person I used to be.

I wish that I will have my former spark back. Somehow I wish I could make a time machine and turn it back on the time when I only worry about myself and my responsibility on my family. I wish I could turn it back to the days when I was so alive. Back in the days I would rather not take risks but take life on the safe side of the road.

For the first time in my life - I regretted something. And this was it. For the first time, I thought I should have done otherwise. For the first time, I wished I was not myself. I tried to change, but my efforts were futile. I wish I could end all of this. But I know fate will never be again on my side.

Okay, I would end this now and I would try to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better? Now, that's funny, life was never better for me these days. I can bet tomorrow will be worse, but better? Funny.

Good bye, cruel world. I would doze off to my dreams and live a normal for me there. :(]

i hate my life.