Shorts: Little thoughts stuck on mind.

It's cold and it's raining and it seems like it's mocking me. I was pulled out of my sleeping trance by trains of thoughts that I never should entertain. It has been eating me lately. Consuming me entirely. Though the facade that I put up is pretty convincing, it will never ever fool me. Lying to yourself is worse enough but the again, at least, you feel you are alive.

I cannot contemplate, fathom even why I am feeling this. I drown these thoughts by reading a book I've read, like, for the 6th time. But after I dog-ear the last page, after my mind cannot process anymore, after it's numb for reading to much, my thoughts will come back to the things that haunt me even in my sleep.

Being alive doesn't necessarily mean that one should like it. One might prefer not waking up at all just to rid of all these unecessary things. This cold morning, I will drown myself with anguish with the thoughts that I try to block. I will try to make it consume me until the thoughts hopefully dissolve. Is that possible? I've been trying for the longest time to make it bubble down, but still, it's like a faithful shadow that haunts me to my very dreams.

It doesn't matter. Some things will never ever change, even though how much you try not to think about it. Thinking about it more makes it annoyingly comeback. Thinking about it less, however, is not even remotely possible.

Though I'm pretty sure no one can understand me, but at least, finally, I poured something out here. These thoughts will most likely die if I do die with it, which is the farthest thing on my plans right now. So until then, I'll make it my second shadow and feel the torment it's giving me full blast.