To my mother.

You exclaimed in joy when you knew I was coming.
You bellowed screams of pain and suffering when I was trying to come out.
You had unfathomable joy when you first saw my smiling face, that almost look like yours.
You cannot believe how a miracle such as this happen as you gaze upon my small hands.
You always hushed me down when I was crying.
You were always there because I am sickly and frail.
You never left my side until I learned how to walk.
You were smiling when you first hear me talk.
I grew up to be a major pain in the ass.
I was the blacksheep but I knew I was your favorite.
I am sure I made you proud when I've won all those medals in various competitions I had.
I became more intelligent and independent.
I know you felt me growing up so fast that you realized,
that I am growing further away and away from you.
I hated you for all those bickerings I endured.
But deep down still love you because you are my mother.
You molded me to what I am now.
If not for you I will never be this emotionally strong.
I will always be your little Al, even I leave home and have a different life.
I thank you for all the sacrifices, lessons and sermons.
For those made me realize what love truly is.
I know I still haven't told you even once how much you mean to me.
For I am still afraid of a reason until now, I still do not know.
Maybe someday, you will really get to know me.
Not just by the things you see from me,
but because of the things I will relate and tell you.
I maybe the baddest son in the world.
I may hate you more than I love you.
But one thing is for sure,
You are my mother and nothing can change that.
I know the years are catching up to you.
We may not have the time anymore.
I am sorry for being afraid to tell these feelings to you.
But someday, somewhere in time, just for once,
I will tell you: I love you mama, and I am sorry for leaving you.

To all the women who loved their child more that her life - Happy Mother's Day. Apir.

Dilemmas and decisions.

You'll know how much you mean to someone when you say to her that you will leave and she'll say nothing but look in your eyes with tears on hers. Sometimes, circumstances never match what you've always wanted. But by parting, you will know how much she means to you. But this is for your own welfare. Decisions are choices, and winners are those make them.

But my heart does not want to leave. Now, I face a difficult dilemma. A choice between that one person you care about so much and the choice of a better future. Five years is not long, I try to squeeze that to myself, but it is so long. Changes will occur and our lives will be different. Maturity will come and priorities will be straighter.

But I have said yes already. I can take it back. But being the man that I am, I never take back my words. I never ever. That's one thing I am proud of. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I really wanted this. But leaving is only cowardice.

Seeing her eyes well up at the thought of you leaving her is so much. Maybe I can't leave after all? I know time would tell. I want her to know that I am not leaving her behind. I assured her that she will always be with me in this heart.

I can't picture the scenario of me hugging her for one last time, touching her hand - kissing it, then seeing her eyes for the last time. But it has to happen. I will tell her how much she means to me and that this is not good bye but see you later.

Well, this is a dilemma. I just wish another opportunity knocks. An opportunity that does not involve leaving her behind, weeping at your departure.


My heart, take it - It 's yours.