...

So I said:

"If I tell you now that I really like you and let's put the past behind and you know, we could be the one each other's been looking for. Would you go grab my hands, kiss them or laugh at my face? But there are many complications like I don't want to fall in love, or I want you to heal first, or I wanted you originally as 'just a friend'.

But what if I'd say that I want you to be a part of me that I'd like to be more than just friends? We would build something so wonderful that you won't regret that I made the move of telling you what I really feel. But this feeling was just so sudden, that I was amazed myself.

Would you like traveling the world? See the places you'd only read from books. Yeah, I'd like that. But if you like, we'd just stay in each other's arms, cuddling up in a warm bed. Am I too straightforward, well, sorry, these were just things that I've thought of for so long now. Let's see the world, drive fast, windows down. Brandy on the car floor, cigarette butts everywhere. You'd laugh at every joke I'd say, we'd talk for hours like we've known each other forever.

So, what do you say? Would you be mine now?"

Nothing's worth losing, especially the chance to make it right.

When We Die

Well i know that it's early and it's too hard to think and the broken empty bottle's a reminder in the sink.

But i thought that i should tell you, if it's not too late to say I can put back all the pieces, they just might not fit the same.

Because nothing's worth losing especially the chance to make it right.

And i know that we're gonna be fine and the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time.

As long as we live times passes by and we won't get it back when we die.

Well I know it's been years now and I don't look the same

and the hopes and dreams you had for me, you thought went down the drain.

And the room feels so empty where my pictures used to be...

And I can't say that I blame you, but you can't blame me.

Come over, come over because I gotta know if I am doing this all on my own.

Come over, come over how can't I show you if you're not here?

And I know that we're gonna be fine and the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time as long as we live times passes by and we won't get it back when we die come over, come over i gotta know well i know that it's early...

------------------

It's been a long time when I wrote something about you in this blog. Anyway, there are times, such as this, that I want to speak and reach out. But as always, the purpose is defeated.

Time comes that I don't want to even think about you, there are times that you reach out and I decline. We were never on the same wavelength nowadays.

There are somethings that we need to discuss and at the same time, not discuss with each other.

Just always know that when that no one seems to be around when you need someone to talk to, always look behind you, and I will always be there.

Now and forever. Always and forever.

Asul, Pula, Dilaw, at Puti.

Sabi Nila
Agaw Agimat

Sabihin man nilang ako ay bata pa
'Di ko pa raw alam kung paanong umibig sa kanya
Sa karanasan daw ako ay hilaw pa
"Mag-aral ka pa," iyan ang sabi nila

Maaring sa isang punto, sila ay tama
Maaring sa karanasan, ako ay hilaw pa nga
Dahil 'di ko pa naranasan buhay ko'y itaya
'Di ko pa naranasang sumagupa sa digma

Maaring kulang din ang aking pagkaunawa
Sa mga suliranin ng ating bansa
Maaring kulang din ang aking kaalaman
Sa iba't ibang daing ng ating sambayanan

Ngunit dahil ba kulang pa'ng aking karanasan
At marami pa 'kong dapat pag-aralan
Ang pag-ibig ba nila'y 'di ko kayang pantayan
Para sa 'kin ito'y isang maling kaisipan

Ang pag-ibig sa bayang kinagisnan
Ay sa puso at hindi sa isip lang
Ito'y nararamdaman at hindi napag-aaralan
Ito'y walang kinikilalang edad kailanman

-----
Kahit ilang beses ko sabihin na hindi ko na masisilayan ang araw na matutupad ang pangarap ko sayo, hindi mo pa rin maikakaila ang pagmamahal ko sayo. Kahit ilang beses ko isulat na kahit ako na lang ang nagiisang naniniwala, hindi ko pa rin mapapatunayan ang pagibig ko sayo.

Ang boses ko ay maliit at tago. Hindi marinig at nalulunod sa agos ng buhay at ng tao, ngunit kahit papaano nagdadala ito ng pagasa. Kahit hindi para sa karamihan, nagdadala ito ng pagasa sa akin. Sa aking maliit na pagkatao, na hindi pansin sa milyon-milyong naninirahan at humahanap ng kalinga sa iyong bisig.

Kahit sabihin ko na handa ako ialay ang buhay ko para sayo, para saan pa ito sa panahong ito? Hindi na sukatan ng pagmamahal sayo ang pagharap sa tingga ng banyaga. Pero sa aking munting paraan, naipapakita ko ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo. Kahit ilang beses ko na sabihin na hindi mo na maibabalik ang dati mong sigla at kulay, asahan mong nanalig pa rin ako sa pula, asul, puti at dilaw.

Bayan ko, asahan mo na kahit maubos na ang anak mo, mananatili akong nakataas ang noo, ipaglalaban ang ngalan mo. Isisigaw sa mundo na ako ay Pilipino - nasa isip ko pa rin, nasa salita ko pa rin, at nasa gawa ko pa rin.

Pwede pa, kaya pa.

From the year before...

You can't finish a book without closing its chapters.
If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as
you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress.
It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing.
The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go.
We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart; forgive them.
For they have helped you mold a stronger you and yes, nothing feels better when you have peace of mind. Happiness is in the heart of a diamond. Once you find it, let it grow in you.
Always remember that you can't make someone love you forever.
What you can do is be someone who can be loved.
And the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.

A not too long ago.

To whom it may concern,

I love you, you love me.
I love you, not in a friendly way.
Although I think we are great friends and not in a misplaced attraction puppy dog way,
although I'm sure that's what you'd call it.
I love you, very simple, very truly,
you are the epitome of everything that I've looked for in another human being,
and I know,

you think of me as just a friend
and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider.
But I have to say it. I just can't take this anymore.
I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you,
I can't look into your eyes without feeling that
longing you only read about in trashy romance novels,
I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are and
I know this will probably queen our friendship,
but I had to say it cause I've never felt this way before and I don't care.
I like who I am because of it.
And if bringing this tonight means that we can't hang out anymore,
then that hurts me, but God, I couldn't allow another day
without getting it out there regardless of the outcome,
which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot down and you know I'll accept that.
But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment
and if there is a moment of hesitation then that means that you feel something
too and all I ask is that you please not dismiss that and please try to dwell on it for just 20 seconds.
There isn't another soul in this planet who has made me half of the person I am when I'm with you.
And I'd risk this friendship for a chance to take it to the next plateau
because it's there between you and me, You can't deny that.
Even if we never talk again after tonight,
please know that I am forever changed
because of who you are and what you've meant to me.

Myself

In the end, it's the beginning you always remember.

January 13, 2006.

It has been a year. 365 days. It flew by faster than you thought. Days, became weeks, the weeks became months, then it became a whole year. It was so fast. Everything seem to move in a fleeting instant. Everyone moved on, everybody whisked past you, but you - You remained. You stayed. You lingered.

Last year has been the worst day of my life. Saddened by the fact that I've lost everything. Everything. You will realize that things just don't fall to your lap, you work hard for it. When they are lost, you value them more. You wonder why you didn't value them when they are yours. Well, that's how life works - and it sucks.

One year later, somehow, I am better and stronger. A well oiled machinery without chinks on his emotional armors. No blemish in my seemingly impassable fortress. I am stronger. There are still times I wonder about the what if's and the what could have been's, but well, hey, that's life. You take everything as it comes, and be glad and thankful that you have given a chance to experience what life brought you.

Well, I make it a point to mark each day as the first day of the rest of my life. Everyday is a starting line. If you failed this day, you can redo it tomorrow. Now, you're sure how to do it, so you can do it better than yesterday. Life, molds you to a better person. You just have to endure every trouble, every problems, everything. Fight. Endure. Persevere. Brave the storm, for every storm there's always a light house to guide you on your way home.

Thank the people that brought you this far. Forgive the people who destroyed the very fiber of your being. For without them, you are not as you are now - stronger and better. Thank God for giving you the trials. He is the lighthouse in every storm. He is your refuge. He is your armor.

More importantly, love yourself. When you have so much love to pass around, better start within you.

for the same fire that melts butter, hardens steel.

July 11, 2006.

Wala lang, ispeysyal day talaga tong araw at month na to para sakin. 2 years ago, july yun naaalala ko. Tapos last year, ispeysyal din. Basta.

On the other side :

Um, nabasa ko ung friendster blog nung friend ko at mukhang nagalit sakin. Sorry talaga. I need time to recuperate lang. Kung ayaw mo na ko maging kaibigan, its your loss. Kilala mo kung sino talaga ang gusto ko. Sorry sa lahat and thanks.

------------------------

i am finding out that maybe i was wrong
that ive fallen down and i cant do this alone
stay with me
this is what i need please
sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
we could sing our own
but what would it be without you
i am nothing now and its been so long since ive heard a sound
the sound of my only hope
this time i will be listening
sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
we could sing our ownbut what would it be without you
this heart, it beats beats for only you
my heart is yours

July 4th.

This is day, hundreds of years ago, when Americans, technically declared that it is Independence day (not june 12). Yes, they left the country, but with one underlying catch - We are under a constitution that greatly favored them.

Yes, we left colonial shackles that day. But did the americans faithfully unclasped its talons on this country? No. Everywhere you look, there's still a mark of colonialism. You see, we were never free. From the first time those Chinese people set foot from a foreign land to the time Mr. McArthur said I will return, we were never free.

If we were free-thinkers back then. If we were just favoring our brothers rather than whiteskinned poeple. We could have been much greater. We could create products on our own. We could patent our own inventions. But what is happening now? Our inventions are sold to other countries because our government cannot support it. Why? The money is magically transported to Mr. Governor A whose wallet is getting bigger and bigger while his people are starving and cannot take baths because there's no water supply. We could also export our Markina shoes? But what happens? It is sold to Gucci and they sell it three folds to other countries.

I could go on like this forever, but what will happen? None. My voice is unaudible. Even if I start within myself. I am only a small voice. Small, mute voice against a behemoth of a nation.

Look at the circumstances now. What do we have? Billions of debts to be paid by our children, and the children after them. Debts to be paid because we gave in to the imperialistic desires of people who said they care but they really don't.

So tell me:

Malaya ka nga ba?

Dazed.

Time has flew by pretty past. For the past five months, I've been doing the same routine over and over again. I tried to glimpse back every now and then for the times I had almost a year back and it seems so very far away. Depression is a constant feeling I have and I feel like a trapped animal in a cage fostered in a far away place. Trapped and dazed. Wanting to go back so badly but nature definitely cannot permit it.

My faith has definitely turned into stone. My mind, more often than not, is blank. Blank and emotionless. Waiting for an event to happen. Waiting for my own world to move in its own accord. A year ago, I was living in a dream. School is almost over and I know everything will be alright. I had everything I wanted but I was too reckless to the point I've lost everything I've worked for. I know I've earned it, but it was taken from me so deliberately, so easily.

Now, I don't even mope. I was over that stage of crying over spilt milk. Now, I just sit idly. Waiting for something to happen. I don't even talk to God anymore. I don't thank him every night, like I have always did. My soul is calloused. Numb. I feel nothing. Hollow. I feel that there's no point in going on, when nothing is really going on. Today is just the same as yesterday as tomorrow will be the same the next day.

I try to smile. I try to tell jokes. But deep inside, I know I am not happy. Sometimes, I just stay awake at night, I cannot sleep. Depression is a constant inhabitant to my hollow mind. I try to comprehend what happened and what went wrong.

I wish this would all end.

June 11, 2006.

Isang taon at tatlong buwan.
Siyam na buwan na paghihintay.
Nagtiis at nag sakripisyo.

It was one year ago.

May 11, 2005.

Our 2nd month.

We never did get the chance to celebrate last month for she was in the hospital. Now, we did not either, becausew e were busy with the incrementing school work. But it was not as straining as it was supposed to be. Why? Because we were with each other. We find fun doing things together. Now is different, we both have different worlds, different aquaintances and different everyday scenarios.

Tomorrow will change everything.
The only constant thing in this world is change.

May you have a great year ahead.

Today, we say goodbye to the year that was and welcome the year 2006, with wide arms.

Time flew by so fast. Really. Last year, i was busy minding a 5-man group project that was finished only by yours truly and another groupmate who cared. Now, i am minding my finances and other stuff. Yeah, time really flew by.

So, i just wish you people who are reading this, a happy new year. May you do great in your future endeavors - work, school, love life or whatever it may be. Also, be thankful for the blessing you had for 2005 and pray for blessing for the year 2006. Don't regret the things you have done wrong, or the things you should have done. Be thankful for the things you have lost, for the mere fact that you had it once. Remember, things are bound to happen, so just accept the facts and continue life.

Maybe life sucks for you right now, but don't worry, it will pass. Soon, you'll be smiling. There are just times when you have to suffer but in the end, all of us will be all smiles.

Happy new year everyone! May you have the best!

Year end Quiz:

Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and willyou make more for next year?
- No, i don't follow a set of new year's resolution but i try to be a better man every new year.
What would you like to have in 2006 that youlacked in 2005?
- real goals and height.
What date from 2005 will remain etched upon yourmemory, and why?
- That would be mid-march. It was the first time me and my block went on a 10-day vacation in Bicol. Yeah, that's nice...
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
- Finishing school and getting a job earlier than expected.
What was your biggest failure?
- Did i fail this year? None, sorry.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
- I think so...
What was the best thing you bought?
- Books that i will add to my mini library. That's sweet..
Where did most of your money go?
- Daily fare, friday lunchouts and to my mother.
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
-Finishing school? Bittersweet...
What song(s) will always remind you of 2005?
-Pinooooyy, ako, pinoooyyy tayooo... Hahahha...

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? -
- happier?
ii. thinner or fatter? -
- fatter. yes.
iii. richer or poorer? -
- richer.
What do you wish you'd done more?
Thought of myself more.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
My being stubborn and persistent.
How many one-night stands?
Never had one.
What was the best book you read?
The best? Style-wise, Deception point.
What was your greatest musical discovery?
Inward singing.
What did you want and get?
Job.
What was your favorite film of this year?
-I have no idea... no movies ever compared to my all time favorite. Not even close.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old wereyou?
-I was in the office the whole day. I turned 20.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
-Winning the lotto, making me the richest man in the world and i don't have to work ever again.
How would you describe your personal fashionconcept in 2005?
-i don't care about how i look.
What kept you sane?
-Sleep.
What political issue stirred you the most?
-That whole GMA fiasco.
Who did you miss?
-College people.
Who was the best new person you met?Best new person?
- No idea...
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
-Nothing is permanent...
What was the nicest thing someone told you aboutyourself:
-"Great job!"
the most touching experience you've had this year?
-Touching people's lives. Made other people's lives better.
-I think...
What did you like most about yourself this year?
-I found time for myself.
What did you hate most about yourself this year?
-I am too damn persistent.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
-Bang bang shoot shoot.
Was 2005 a good year for you?
-Yes.
What was your favorite moment of the year?
-I woudn't tell you that one.
What was your least favorite moment of the year?
-I have no idea..
Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
-Do better.
What was your favorite month of 2005?
-March and December.
How many concerts did you see in 2005?
-I have no idea...
anything you are ashamed of this year?
-Yes.
If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005and change something, what would it be?
-This one time.
What are your plans for 2006?
-Set priorities straight, earn and save, and get out of this house!
How are you different now that the year has ended?
-I am stronger.
What are your wishes for the new year?
-Just become a better person than the person from the year that was.