From my tabulas blog. May 4th 2006.

Standing on the very same stairs,
the stairs that has been a witness of a friendship.
A friendship that spanned for so long.
So long, that when you think of the circumstance that lays ahead,
it hurts so much.
It hurts so bad that you wanted to change the things
you have said to her that made her cry again.
This time was too much.
You know that.
But you never assessed the situation.
You just bombarder her with accusations.
Accusations that has no basis.
Accusations that's based on mere fiction.
Fiction that's a fruit of your selfishness and jelousy.
You loved her too much.
Way too much that it became putrid.
You knew that your only sin was loving her way too much.
That love clouded your judgement.
Your predesposition.
Your insights.
In the end, you hurt her.
Again.
You have seen her cry.
Maybe once, maybe twice, thrice...
You have no idea.
But when you see her cry,
you know you just surrender.
You never wanted to see her like that.
But why do you do the things she hated the most?
You wanted to say sorry.
You did.
But she didn't accept.
You know you were wrong.
You surrender.
You accept.
You start to cry.
You ponder on the situation with an understanding.
Now you see why you are wrong.
Is that the only way you can understand?
With her crying in front of you?
You wanted to hug and comfort her.
You wanted to say sorry.
Again.
This happened a million times.
You promised you will change.
She refused.
You know you've changed.
Little by little she will see.
But she left.
You're alone.
She's happy.
You're sad.
She's complete.
You're not.
Then you said it's time to break that promise.
The one when you've said to her,
that you will love her always and forever.
She held your hand that time.
Then you knew, she loved you too.
But its too late for apologies.
This is not a matter of pride.
This is not a matter of forgiveness.
This is a matter of accepting.
Acceptance of facts.
Acceptance of figures.
Acceptance of circumstances.
That you will never ever be the same again.
You will never be talking of the same futures.
You will never be planning building the same dreams again.
With her on your chest, looking at the ceiling.
That will only be in your dreams.
Dreams you've once shared with her.
Your teacher, sister, mentor, bestfriend,
companion, your princess, your queen,
your love and your all.
Your everything.
It will never be.
Sad endings.
Sad finishes.
New beginnings.
New life.
Apart.
Forever's dull without her smile.
You did this for her.
You said goodbye because of her.
She will be happy and you know it.
It is time to end selfishness.
It is time to be new.
To be clean.
To be happy.
For it has been too long.
You want to smile again.
Without her.
Without your everything.
At least you've learned.
Those two years has been a long lesson.
That love is not a pretty engagement,
all tied up in a pink bow,
you have to take it as it comes,
and rejoice that you have been given the chance...
Goodbye.
Thank you.
For everything.
I will love you.
Not until forever.
But only for now.

Excerpts from the other blog.

Raining. Wind billows. The road was wet as well as my eyes. I walked this familiar road and I realized my mistakes. The words I told you minutes ago. I looked like an idiot, but that's what I really am - an idiot. I told her this will be the last time I will be trying to win her back. It is true. I have finally finally given up. I gave up the fight I have faithfully waged for the past ten months. I wish she is happy. I really do. Even without me as her love. I will stay as her beastfriend. That's were we started and I cannot just throw the 5 years of friendship we shared. That friendship is stronger.

Our friends told me that she looked gloomy and lonely. Is she lonely? She told me she is not, so I would believe her. I've always believed in her. Though there are times I looked over the fact that she is so honest and I would put my own insecurites before me, I know she is the most real a person can get. That's what I loved about her. She never kept secrets to me. We don't hide anything from the other. The darkest secrets and the vivid ones. She knows everything about me and vice versa. That's what made me realize that I cannot just throw everything away. Though she is not my girlfriend anymore, I can safely say that I am happy that I have my friend back.

She will find her man, and I will find my woman. I wish whoever that man maybe, will take care of her like I do. She is a little moody and secretive, but soon, she can open up and be a true person. She made a new me, and I thank God for that. I'm sad that things ended up this way, but I'm glad that I still have her.

So long and goodbye. Thanks.

I arrived home, had a last reckoning for things. I cried. I slept.

--
My readers, thank you for visiting the site for almost 2 years now. It is one of the strongest Filipino blog out there. Sorry if I remained anonymous to you. For the people out there who still thinks the things I wrote here are fictional, sorry, but this is really true to life. As real as it gets. I don't know if I will be able to continue this. Maybe a few chapters every week or so. But I honestly don't think our story will continue. I have given up, she has given up. Time has the answer to everything.

Again, thank you guys for the numerous comments and mails. Sorry if I haven't answered all of them. Thanks!

Decide to wake up.

from my peyups and other blog.
Aug. 8, 2006.

All logic and reasoning tells you to give it up. Hope is definitely lost, all is already gone. You are left in a longing that someday, somehow, the time when you feel so alive will come back. Since giving up is never in your repertoire, you hold on - holding on to the memories, holding on the the long phone talks, the long walks, the locking of your hands, the eye contacts and the most important thing that matters - the both of you.

A quote you recived the other night relates - always make your absence felt, in such a way that somebody misses you, but let not your absence be so solong that somebody starts learning to be without you. You try to be away, you try to be not felt, hoping that someone will tell you that she misses you as badly as you miss her. Then when you cannot take the anonymity anymore, you make her know that you still care. Then suddenly, she says, you mean nothing to her anymore. Somehow, you feel relieved that she doesn't feel the way you feel. She doesn't feel the lonely nights, alone in your room, mourning for the loss of someone so special. She doesn't feel the pretentions that someday, everything will be alright.

You try to save the most important thing of all - the bond you had for the last four years. Almost five. The bond you share. The bond you thought you will have until all is through. She says she wants to be friends and offered her hand, instead of taking it, you stepped closer and hugged her. Yes, you wanted to be her friend. You thanked her for bringing your "beastfriend" back. She tapped you in the back. You are glad at least you saved the friendship. You went home and eyes well up for you have her in your life again.

You thought everything is fine then she distances herself once more. You have no idea why, but she distanced herself from you. You thought why did she say that she like to be friends when she's the one turning her back on you - again. Did she really care? Again, you felt stupid for the things you have done and said. You know that this is your fault. You tried to fix it but she has already found new sources of happiness and you failed. She said to you she is happy, and that is - happy without you. You somehow sensed that she is telling you the truth. You said sorry for letting her take all your punches, your remarks for she is your only friend. She told you once that she is your shock absorber and you abused it. You know you're wrong but you still did things that will break her heart. You are super sorry and you know you two will be fine for you have learned so much, but she decided to take a different road from yours.

Again, you find yourself in a two forked road. Faced with a decision you know she already took. Now, would you take the opposite road? That is the dilemma you found yourself into. You know that everything will be perfect if she comes back because you have learned things and you found yourself the honesty and the humility. We learned that once in church - if you are humble and honest, eventually you will be happy.
But you feel that it is not true, you are honest and somehow humble, but how come you are not happy? Then you realized that to be happy, you have to be with her, even as friends. But she turned her back from you and you have no reason to be happy.

Things will go on this way and you will be sad. But somewhere in time, you will decide to wake up from the dreams of having her in your arms once again. The good night kisses and lullabyes, the kisses and the talks.
And once you do wake up, everything will be lost except the memories you had - that once, you had the happiest of times - with her. Your heart's battle scars will be visible, but you know it made you stronger. Your tears will dry and you will find out that you have so much to give that someone will be worthy for it. You have cried so much that you will be rewarded someday with the happiness you truly seek. It will come.


-----
january 27, 2006

Yes, it is one of those times. I've been missing you a lot. Especially now that our communication is not that frequent anymore. I guess you are too busy with all the things around you right now. You might not even think of me anymore;but i miss you nonetheless.I miss the long talks. I miss the late conversations. I miss those stupid arguments on where this certain plant on greenbelt came from. I miss eating sixty percent of your food everytime we eat out because you are too lazy to finish the meal.I miss my world with you.I miss it all.I tried focusing on other things but it's always you in the end. I tried reading new books, but after i close it after finishing a chapter, it's still you. I tried comprehending our situation, but the ghosts i've created gets the best out of me. I tried to look forward to your promise and i tried to smile, but the euphoria of missing you eats me alive. I tried creating a time machine so i can turn back the times when you are laying on my chest, worrying about nothing, plotting our futures together, but i suck at programming and i don't have enough knowledge on physics and time and space continuum. I also tried to learn flying, so i can start getting a world map and fly to there, but i am no superman. I tried thinking of happy thoughts, our happy thoughts, but then again, the situation eats every fiber of the visions of me, being happy.Now, my cellphone battery that usually last a whole day, now lasts for three. Well, my load, still lasts for one week, because my sim is sun... Anyway, I still remember last year, i saved so i can buy us those sims, and load that will last us for a whole christmas vacation. Imagine the way we missed each other back then? Now, imagine the way i am missing you right now.You know, i wish i hijacked your plane, but i thought it would be the best for your future and did not attempt my well designed plan.Your first letter to me relates that you don't eat properly there, don't worry, when you come back i'll cook you my best piniritong hotdog for that's all i know to cook aside from pancit canton.I miss you so much that i cannot pee.Well, i can say that this is love for the first time.

Such a brilliant star you are.

Talatang kinuwa sa my nightingale : Bukas, nung huling isang taon.

Alala mo ba last year? OJT mo noon. Monthsary natin nun eh. Kaso mukhang malabong makapagcelebrate tayo. Kasi ang layo eh, sa PLDT Boni ka pa. Tapos wala akong pasok nung araw na yon at napagusapan na namin nung kagrupo natin sa thesis na gawin ang mga parte nung ginagwa natin. Kaya mukhang gigiyerahin mo ako, kasi di man lang kita nabisita. Pero hindi mo lang alam na ilang araw ko na rin pinalano to. Tinapos ko yung mga kelangang gawin sa dalawang araw na. Balak ko sanang bilihan ka man lang nang kahit ano tapos susurpresahin kita sa Boni. Shempre siguro alam mo na rin kahit papaano kung gano ako kagaling manorpresa, kaya siguro alam mo na may pakulo ako noong araw na iyon. Nagkausap pa tayo sa telepono at napagkasunduan na wala akong oras kasi may ginagwa pa ako. At busy ka rin siguro malamang.

Kakaligo ko lang noon, papunta na ko. Sa tancha ko, siguro mga 9 ako makakapunta ng opisina mo. Pero minalas ata, nagtext sakin ang kasama natin at sinabi na kelangan niya ang isang parte nung proyekto. Napa amp ako kasi masisira ang aking planong pampakilig. Ginawa ko nang mabilisan ang gawaing inatas sakin para makaabot ako. Pero mukhang matatagalan at panget na kung ipapabukas ko pa tong plano ko. Natapos ko ang gawain pero mukhang mahuhuli pa ko. Hinanap ko ang sulat na ginawa ko pero di ko ito makita. Linshak. Nagkandamalas malas na ang araw ko. Di ko na to hinanap at umalis na lang agad ako at pumunta ng ibibili na lang kita ng kahit ano. Pag daan ko dun, di ko alam kung anong regalo ang angkop na bilihin sapagkat meron akong limitadong budget.

Nakabili ako ng espesyal na card na gawa sa mga recycled na papel na mukha namang magugustuhan mo. Ngayon isa na lang ang nasaisip ko, puntahan kita sa opisina. Tumawag ka sakin at naitanong mo sakin kung baket maingay sa paligid. Sa pagkakaalam mo nasa bahay lang ako. Sabi ko telebisyon lang yon. Muntikan na. Sumakay na ko ng bus papuntang Boni. Hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin alam kung pano pumunta jan. Naipagtanong tanong ko na sa YM pero walang may alam. Yari. Pero tinahak ko pa rin ang estrangherong daan. Bumababa ako ng Boni Station at hinanap ang opisina mo. Kumain muna ako sa Wendy's at dun ko sinulat ulit ang sulat ko sayo. Natapos ko din. Sumakay ako ng Jeep papuntang JRU. Eto na yata yun. At nakita ko ang PLDT. Tinawagan kita agad at sinabi ko na bumaba ka. Nagtataka ka kung bakit at sinabi ko basta bumaba ka na lang.

Naibigay ko ang regalo ko sayo. At meron ka din pala. Sulat din. Bihira ka lang gumawa ng sulat pero kung gawan mo ko, talagang espesyal yun kasi wala ka naman talagang kasweet-sweet sa katawan. Kaya kakaibang araw yun kung ganon. Balak ko sanang hilahin ka sa opisina mo pero mukhang madami ka pang ginagawa. Bumili tayo ng Zagu nila Trachelle at nakasama din kita kahit sandali. Minalas malas ako sa plano ko, pero okay lang. Magakasama naman tayo ngayon...

please listen to me october
things will be a little different
this september now when nights are long
let me have this one last dance
she leads me out of the room

get me up and get me moving
i wanna do this one more time before i
go on the road tonight
get me up and get me moving

youre caught youre all the same
now i never knew i never remembered your name
the walls are closing in
my cigarette is getting smaller
the air is getting thin
it doesnt seem like theres much room to live

how in the world could this ever happen
face down its happening all again
how in the world could this ever happen
how in the world could this ever happen now
how in the world could this ever happen
face down its happening all again
how in the world could this ever happen
how in the world could this could this could this

listen to me october
things will be a little different
things will be a little different
this september now when nights are long
let me have this one last dance

she leads me out of the room