Decide to wake up.

from my peyups and other blog.
Aug. 8, 2006.

All logic and reasoning tells you to give it up. Hope is definitely lost, all is already gone. You are left in a longing that someday, somehow, the time when you feel so alive will come back. Since giving up is never in your repertoire, you hold on - holding on to the memories, holding on the the long phone talks, the long walks, the locking of your hands, the eye contacts and the most important thing that matters - the both of you.

A quote you recived the other night relates - always make your absence felt, in such a way that somebody misses you, but let not your absence be so solong that somebody starts learning to be without you. You try to be away, you try to be not felt, hoping that someone will tell you that she misses you as badly as you miss her. Then when you cannot take the anonymity anymore, you make her know that you still care. Then suddenly, she says, you mean nothing to her anymore. Somehow, you feel relieved that she doesn't feel the way you feel. She doesn't feel the lonely nights, alone in your room, mourning for the loss of someone so special. She doesn't feel the pretentions that someday, everything will be alright.

You try to save the most important thing of all - the bond you had for the last four years. Almost five. The bond you share. The bond you thought you will have until all is through. She says she wants to be friends and offered her hand, instead of taking it, you stepped closer and hugged her. Yes, you wanted to be her friend. You thanked her for bringing your "beastfriend" back. She tapped you in the back. You are glad at least you saved the friendship. You went home and eyes well up for you have her in your life again.

You thought everything is fine then she distances herself once more. You have no idea why, but she distanced herself from you. You thought why did she say that she like to be friends when she's the one turning her back on you - again. Did she really care? Again, you felt stupid for the things you have done and said. You know that this is your fault. You tried to fix it but she has already found new sources of happiness and you failed. She said to you she is happy, and that is - happy without you. You somehow sensed that she is telling you the truth. You said sorry for letting her take all your punches, your remarks for she is your only friend. She told you once that she is your shock absorber and you abused it. You know you're wrong but you still did things that will break her heart. You are super sorry and you know you two will be fine for you have learned so much, but she decided to take a different road from yours.

Again, you find yourself in a two forked road. Faced with a decision you know she already took. Now, would you take the opposite road? That is the dilemma you found yourself into. You know that everything will be perfect if she comes back because you have learned things and you found yourself the honesty and the humility. We learned that once in church - if you are humble and honest, eventually you will be happy.
But you feel that it is not true, you are honest and somehow humble, but how come you are not happy? Then you realized that to be happy, you have to be with her, even as friends. But she turned her back from you and you have no reason to be happy.

Things will go on this way and you will be sad. But somewhere in time, you will decide to wake up from the dreams of having her in your arms once again. The good night kisses and lullabyes, the kisses and the talks.
And once you do wake up, everything will be lost except the memories you had - that once, you had the happiest of times - with her. Your heart's battle scars will be visible, but you know it made you stronger. Your tears will dry and you will find out that you have so much to give that someone will be worthy for it. You have cried so much that you will be rewarded someday with the happiness you truly seek. It will come.


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january 27, 2006

Yes, it is one of those times. I've been missing you a lot. Especially now that our communication is not that frequent anymore. I guess you are too busy with all the things around you right now. You might not even think of me anymore;but i miss you nonetheless.I miss the long talks. I miss the late conversations. I miss those stupid arguments on where this certain plant on greenbelt came from. I miss eating sixty percent of your food everytime we eat out because you are too lazy to finish the meal.I miss my world with you.I miss it all.I tried focusing on other things but it's always you in the end. I tried reading new books, but after i close it after finishing a chapter, it's still you. I tried comprehending our situation, but the ghosts i've created gets the best out of me. I tried to look forward to your promise and i tried to smile, but the euphoria of missing you eats me alive. I tried creating a time machine so i can turn back the times when you are laying on my chest, worrying about nothing, plotting our futures together, but i suck at programming and i don't have enough knowledge on physics and time and space continuum. I also tried to learn flying, so i can start getting a world map and fly to there, but i am no superman. I tried thinking of happy thoughts, our happy thoughts, but then again, the situation eats every fiber of the visions of me, being happy.Now, my cellphone battery that usually last a whole day, now lasts for three. Well, my load, still lasts for one week, because my sim is sun... Anyway, I still remember last year, i saved so i can buy us those sims, and load that will last us for a whole christmas vacation. Imagine the way we missed each other back then? Now, imagine the way i am missing you right now.You know, i wish i hijacked your plane, but i thought it would be the best for your future and did not attempt my well designed plan.Your first letter to me relates that you don't eat properly there, don't worry, when you come back i'll cook you my best piniritong hotdog for that's all i know to cook aside from pancit canton.I miss you so much that i cannot pee.Well, i can say that this is love for the first time.

Such a brilliant star you are.