My thoughts.

I have decided to end this. This feeling of insanity coupled with happiness at the same time. I've decided to fly away from all the angry stares and the sarcastic remarks. Maybe, my absence will better the lives of many. I still have a few days to decide, but I have made up my mind. There's no stopping me now. Soon, you will realize that I never back down from my words. Once I've promised a thing, I make sure I turn it to reality. Maybe you'll miss me when I am gone, maybe you'll never even ask where have I gone to - I really have no idea.

To be frank, I really don't know what awaits me there. But this is what I've been waiting for - a release, a tension breaker. I have been so dull and alone for so long that I even forgot how to smile. For a few weeks, someone came and as usual, she lit my life again. I' ve told her before, that she was like a shooting star, once she came in my sky, she lit it all up, and for a moment, nothing else really mattered. She came. I smiled. Again. But like always, my attitude and self-importance, came into full circle and for her, it was too much. So she left. Again.
I am always like that. People come into my life, I take them forgranted, and when they leave, I want them to come back again.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she's the one to blame. I have solid defense on what she did and on what I did. I ponder once again, on the what if's and the what could have been's. I should have took care of her better. I should have put myself on her shoes rather than bombarding her with accusing question poised to ruin everything. We had the best friendship ever. She's the only woman in my life. She was my sister, my teacher, my all - my everything. Every little thing about me, she knows. My secrets, my dreams, my plans, my angst - she knew it all. Time has tested our relationship. I held on. She was away for quite sometime. Away from reach. She was in a different land and kind of life. I held on. I showed her that I can do it. I did not bother talking to her. I did not bother writing letters to her like I always did. I saw she was happy. So I did not bother barging in her life for I know it will make it worse. She returned. I tried to turn away from her but my stupid heart collapsed and I went to her place and I told her that I've loved her now, more than I ever did. She told me that I never left her thoughts. That she misses me. I told her that the only reason I turned away from her was to show her I am strong.

We returned to normal. We tried to build back what we have lost. Minus the commitment, we were like what we were before. But the man in me wanted more. I was not complete. I never really liked flings. I had a few before and I never really liked the idea of it. Especially when this girl is more than special to me. She was my life and she knew it. She did not want we to wait anymore for she prioritizes her career more than me. That's why we cannot be together. The stupid paranoid thoughts of mine says other things. That's when I started to act like a complete asshole. I did not answer some of her calls, I did not text her, for like she said, she was not my girlfriend so I let her know the feeling of irresponsibility of what we have. I went out, without her knowledge. We don't have responisibilites on each other so I did what I want. Then, I exploded. I don't want this relationship anymore. I cannot understand what we have. We loved each other, or so she says, but we cannot be. Which for me, is plain stupid.

That's why I am doing this. I will be away for so long that when I return, I don't know what is in store of me. I have until this wednesday to decide. I will be doing this for me. For I have valued myself more than anything right now. She's out of my list.

And this time, it is really goodbye.