Fare you well 2007.

I just had my last stick of cigarette. The good thing about me is that when I say it, I really mean it. Well, sometimes. There are some things that I wished I could quit but I couldn’t. But at least, I started it with this last stick.

Of course, I wish this would continue because I’ve heard that once you’ve started the habit of cigarette, it would be so hard to wipe it out in your system entirely. Anyway, I know I can quit it. So there, I quit it.

As for my year end blog (which of course, I do every end of year), it’s the same old story. First and foremost, I’ve grew to a person which is very different from what I’ve envisioned me to be. Yes, I’ve started smoking and I’ve started seeing my faith crumble down. I used to be finely oiled machinery, without chinks in my emotional armor.

I’ve become weak and fragile because of the trials that came. Though I’ve said for too many times that it would make me stronger, I know it was a futile attempt to hide myself in the agony of losing.

For a year I’ve hidden myself in a façade of lies: Lies of having me don a mask of bitterness. And the lies itself consumed me. It consumed me to the point that every time I think about how weak I’ve become, I just break down. The agony has become like fire that consumes every inch of my body, my proverbial soul.

Everyone sees me as a happy kid with everything ahead of me. Yes, I got the job, which is going for the better, and I am happy with that. But emotionally, I am incomplete. You see, once you get to be not alone for the first time in your life, then you lose that privilege, you lost it all, you’d miss it.

I really miss it – holding someone really close to you in your arms with nothing to bother you. Time really flies by and you’d wish it would never end. But for me it ended quicker than how it started. I’ve lost a best friend and tried to replace her but my attempts were futile. Yes, I’ve met a few new friends along the way but the one I’ve labeled as my best friend will never be replaced.

She changed me for the better and I know that being better is hard work for a person with my caliber of self assessment and being. Now what really pisses of me off is that I’ve done nothing to get her back or to get her to be my friend again. I didn’t answer her attempts to communicate and pushed her away. Further and further away with each and every attempt.

I am weak and afraid. Afraid that I might hurt her even more if I tried to be even friends with her. That’s why I left her with hopes that one day I might turn around and still see her wanting my friendship back. What we had was special and though I don’t believe in soul mates, I think it’s the closest I’ve ever been.

I grew tired of everything - of thinking of hits and misses, the pros and cons of everything, the what if's and the what could have beens... It consumed me like the fire I mentioned earlier, burning me, getting fuel from the environment that's mocking me for being weak, for doing nothing at all to make myself smile again.

But once I've said it, I said it. No getting the words I threw back, not even for the most important component of my life. I don't want to hurt her or someone for that anymore, so I refuse to get close, entirely close to someone. If I do, I still hide something. That's the problem and I'd like to take it out this year.

Anyway, like I’ve said to everyone (who would listen, of course), once I’ve decided on a matter, I treat it as done – a sealed deal. I’ve decided not to open the issue once again so I did that at the expense of me having the most difficult time of my life.

I drown myself with work. At least at work, I am immersed totally in thinking that my work would not leave me. At weekends I make it a point to meet up with friends and keep myself occupied with thoughts that I’d never be alone.

But you see when my work is done and I am at home or after having a couple of drinks with my friends, in the end, when I come home, I’d still feel the loneliness that knocks on me like a weary visitor, waiting to be served with cold drinks.

To remedy that, I tried (very hard to say the least) to let myself fall to other girls. I’ve dated a lot and I wished that the feelings of loneliness would suddenly go away. But still, I am very hard to impress. That’s the problem with me. You would never impress me until I allow you to.

Now I wait for someone who would eventually shine despite being with the others, opening my sleeping heart with ease and would eventually make me fall. Until then, I’d be alone and lonely, stringing words that would make me release the pain that I am going through.

But I know everything will be alright and better as I watch the last puffs of smoke from my Marlboro Red pirouette around me, enshrouding me with smoke for the last time…

nothing's worth losing especially the chance to make it right.